The Giver’s Dilemma : My Raw Account of Battling Anxiety, Depression, and Finding Emotional Strength

Oct 16, 2024

It is a challenging task to articulate my journey of coping with anxiety and depression, especially when it feels like an intangible, ever-shifting landscape. If only I could illustrate a clear trend like ‘how did I go from this to this’ where the latter ‘this’ was a visible transformation from a version of myself that felt whole to one that grapples with emotional turmoil daily.

But before that, to all the new faces, hello, I am Tanushree Ishani Das (TID). I have a blog piece where I have shared everything about myself. I think you will enjoy it. Life is too short, take that risk and read my blog :)

Ok back to the blog..

Navigating the turbulent waters of anxiety and depression can feel like an overwhelming journey with no clear destination.
Unlike physical achievements or professional milestones, emotional progress is intangible and difficult to measure. There are no neat graphs or definitive milestones.
On my difficult and low days, I find solace in reflecting on how I’ve navigated challenges compared to my past experiences. Sometimes, just recognising that I’ve handled situations better than I might have before feels like a victory - even if the environment remains the same.

As a ‘giver’ I feel more alone and emotionally vulnerable.

Being a “giver” in most of my relationships, from professional to personal, often leaves me feeling exhausted and alone.
For those unfamiliar with the terms “giver” and “taker,” let me give you a brief background. In every relationship, there is a giver and taker and rarely will there be a balance between ‘give and take’.

As Adam Grant (
Granted
) puts it, takers have a distinctive signature: they like to get more than they give. They tilt reciprocity in their own favour, putting their own interests ahead of others' needs. On the other hand, givers will help whenever the benefits to others exceed the personal costs. Givers are people with high other interests and low self-interest. They give their time and energy without regard for their own needs, and as a result pay a price for it. It is unfair to assume that this is a pressure we put on our own selves.

Givers often give generously without considering their own needs, which can lead to burnout and loneliness. Unfortunately, our society often rewards takers, making it difficult for givers to prioritise themselves. When we do assert our needs, we may be labelled as “rigid” or “inconsiderate” because others are used to us catering to their wants. Unfortunately, givers can be exploited by takers, who may become accustomed to givers' generosity and react negatively to any changes. As a result, givers may find themselves struggling alone, despite their constant efforts to maintain healthy relationships, feeling isolated within their relationships.

Understanding the Subjectivity of Depression

Depression, as we all know, is a deeply subjective experience. There is so much discourse around it, and unfortunately, stereotypes can cloud the truth. It is a personal battle that only the individual can truly navigate. I remind myself of the positives in my life, mindfully practice gratitude although on certain days that too becomes a challenge.

Yet, one undeniable fact remains: only we ourselves can pull ourselves up from the depths of despair. However, the journey isn't solely about the individual. Being around others who suffer from depression has taught me that caregivers also face significant struggles, yet they receive little recognition or support.

My heart goes out to those who walk alongside loved ones experiencing depression. The emotional toll on caregivers is often overlooked, and there exists a glaring void in support structures for them. This shared journey of compassion and care can be incredibly challenging.

The Beast called Anxiety

Anxiety is another beast altogether. When it comes to anxiety, the daily struggle intensifies. I was a confident, self-assured, happy go lucky person until 2013, when I completed my master's degree in London, ready to take on the world.

My first noticeable bouts of depression began in 2015 and later in 2021, although such behaviours were misinterpreted as ‘sporadic mood swings’. Ironically, as a psychologist, I found it difficult to afford therapy, and I realised the challenges of self-sustenance in mental health care. All I remember was trying my best to cope, breaking into tears every now and then with absolutely no love and support from those who witnessed my situation.

The Struggles of Emotional Independence

Emotional independence is particularly challenging for people like us who are natural givers. I often find myself in situations where my kindness is taken for granted, leaving me vulnerable to emotional abuse. Because of my vulnerabilities I cling to fleeting moments where I might receive genuine care and compassion, only to face the stark reality of emotional neglect. In these situations, I learn to comfort myself. I hug myself tightly when fear creeps in, press my hands in comfort during moments of exhaustion. The little things like finding joy in small victories become my anchor.

People like us, who often lack the financial means and independence to care for our basic needs, sometimes feel trapped in cycles of giving to others without receiving the love and compassion we desperately crave. On good days, I thrive when those around me reflect positivity, but these days can feel scarce.

The Path Forward

So what happens to me next? Through all these experiences, one truth stands tall: I will get there, slowly but surely.

I will try my best to not let my experiences make me bitter or unkind. Instead, I will try and show my strength through actions, learning to say no and set boundaries. I care deeply and continue to do so, but will also learn to prioritise my well-being.

Navigating the complexities of anxiety and depression while working towards emotional independence is not easy, but it is a journey worth undertaking. Every small step is a victory. I may not have a clear graph to show my progress, but I know that I am moving forward.
I hope to embrace my journey and myself with a lot more love, knowing that I will get there in my own time and in my own way and ultimately, find strength in my vulnerability.

Thank you for reading. I am beyond grateful. Stay resilient. We’ve got this :)

Love and Warmth,

TID
(Tanushree Ishani Das)